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Hari-Kuran's avatar

These Scars...

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Soo this piece has been thought about for about 8 years or so... Anyone who has seen my girl they know about the huge slash marks on her back, I want to just say that these do not define her, but have changed her... Here is what the scars represent and how they came to be. (This is about to get really personal and might trigger some, please, if you cant handle this then dont continue reading...) **side note, Hari is me, she changes along with me and reflects who I am.**

It has been about 8 years now (scratch that, more like 12... but we will focus on events from 8 years ago and more recent) since my life changed, cant say for the best or for the worse, but I changed a lot. I used to be this happy go lucky, random, funny, easy going girl without a care in the world. 

I was raped by someone I thought I could trust and I had no one to talk to about this, I really mean no one... from other events that occured years before this I knew that no one, NO ONE, would believe me... So this is when I started to keep to myself. The first person I told then turned around and spat out lies trying to give me the pity party.... That totally sucked... I started to act different, this dark side of me awoke for the second time but it was here to stay this time. For years I never said a thing, I tried to just deal with this on my own, tried just pushing through (was never suicidal, but I always questioned why I was still alive). Well shortly after the rape I met the man who is now my mate and since day one has been beside me to protect me (sappy I know), he was/ is one of the few that I ever told about this situation... throughout the years I got another boyfriend and his family just absolutely destroyed me, even after we broke up, then I tried to move on again. (There was a lot of bashing on me and trying to convince me that I was a whore and blah blah.... There were also a lot of indirect attacks on me on this subject...)

5 years of damaging myself mental and physically (again I never once tried to kill myself, but I would scratch or hit myself) and someone finally stepped into my life to try and help me. In the 8 years he would always talk to me and talk me through this, but physically he couldnt do anything until about 2ish years ago. 

Here I am now, with these scars that will never go away, and I still hear voices trying to tear me down, occasionally these thoughts win. I shut down, I want to disappear, I want to self harm... I tell the amazing person next to me that he can do so much better than me. And through all of this going on all I want to do is scream for help, but what can someone else possibly do? He has done everything he can for me, he treats me like a queen, but I still cant seem to shake these thoughts in my head.

Story time over, this is a venting piece to try and help me. Thank you for reading. I promise guys... I'm ok
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© 2018 - 2024 Hari-Kuran
Comments3
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luaneko's avatar
I think that explains a lot more than it's even trying to-nya. I believe in you-nya.